Thoughts of a Lonely Boy
by Common Phenomenon
Summary: Drastic times call for drastic measures, and sometimes there is only one way out. Dark, Ooc, Blood, Mentions of Yaoi, Suicide.


Disclaimer!

I do not own Kingdom Hearts.

Warning!

Blood

Character death

Mentions of yaoi

Ooc

I gripped the razor in my hands. Blood dripped into the water at my feet. This is the only thing that seemed to take it away. There was nothing to undo the damage that I had done, to myself, to my boyfriend, and my best friend. I caused it all. It could all probably be repaired, but it was forever scarred. My cowardice prevented me from doing the necessary maintenance. It was solely my fault. I pushed the best friend I ever had away on a whim thinking I should end it before he did. He had been putting some distance between us, making a promise then turned his back as if it never happened.

My boyfriend, of nearly two years, was head over heels for me. Too bad I couldn't say the same about him. He was a great guy, sweet, considerate, funny, childish, and clingy. Too clingy, I tended to feel like I was suffocation. I didn't have the heart to break his. It was painfully obvious to me that we weren't meat to be. I knew it wasn't. I still wanted to try, to see if I could love him. In the end, there was nothing to show for it. I see myself pushing him away, it was unnoticeable at first, but now, I see the pain in his eyes when I find other things to distract myself when he's around.

Sora eagerly awaiting the day we could move in together after we both finished school. He was a year younger than me, but two grade levels below me. Only one now, I had failed to get into collage until a couple months ago. I had planned on being in school for a good long time, in hope of being a Math teacher.

My best friend, Axel, was the only person that ever truly understood me. As anti-social as he was, no one else ever could understand me the way he did. There were many that were close, but never that close. I missed spending my weekends out his house, or in my basement. Spending nights together, talking about everything until the sun came out; sharing memories, ideas, and secrets. It was this way that I had admitted I was gay. It was the same way he also told me he refused to have any form of relationship with anyone. A point was made to mention it several times. There was no doubt in my mind that he knew of my feelings for him, as best I did to hide them from even myself. He knew me better than I knew myself.

I had met Sora at the end of the ninth grade. Axel had transferred to a more prestigious all boy school the year before. His leaving brought us close. We were inseparable, joined at the hip, my mom would say. It was a couple months into my tenth year of schooling that Sora and I had started dating.

Friends would joke with me, telling me not to forget about them now that I was in my first relationship. Axel started growing distant, coming up with excuses not to spend time with me, no longer telling me everything that was happening in his life at his new school. Whenever I called him, he would rarely do so much as grunt in response to whatever I had asked him in order to get an actual conversation started. I was the only one who ever put any effort into this friendship, he would never call me to chat, message me for a quick hello or anything.

It went by like this for months. I grew wearier and slightly heartbroken. It was the eve of my seventeenth birthday where I finally snapped. Axel had once again backed out of my carefully constructed plans, in order to spend time with a friend from school. After the argument that proceeded from these events, I checked the clock. It was 12:24 A.M. It was officially my birthday. I cried myself to sleep knowing that with this new year of life, there was going to be some change.

What surprised me the most was how easily it was for me to end the friendship we shared. I expected some kind of fight from him on this, but there wasn`t anything. Not so much as a phone call or a message on my birthday. This was something I felt needed to be done. I swore I wouldn`t bother any more, that I would wait for him to approach me this time. It never came. He needed to see that I couldn`t do this by myself anymore, that my focus wasn`t solely on him anymore.

A little more than a year after I said my final goodbye, I had seen him at social gatherings with my other friends. The only words that were exchanged between us two were harsh and hate filled. The pain never subsided. Some days were easier than others, but most weren`t. There isn't a day were I don't feel alone. The few friends I have left don't know of my inner turmoil. They don't understand. Sora would listen, but I don't want to hurt him more than I already have. I don't love him, but I still care about him. I don't dare try to hurt the one person who can comprehend me to any extent.

I press the razor blade into the crook of my arm, and quickly draw a line, applying more pressure the farther along I go. It stops at my wrist. Tears and water fall into the wound as I stand under the steady stream. I can die letting Sora believe it was him that I had loved, that it was simply the pressure of my kind of life that pushed me to the end.

Axel. Axel would know the truth, if he didn't already. He could read me without so much as a simple glance. There was nothing left for me in this life. Maybe I would have better luck in the next. My knees were growing weak, so I lowered myself to the floor. I cried myself into an eternal sleep.

Just in case it wasn't clear

Roxas is the main character.

Review

JM


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